The Edinburgh Fringe Festival, a fine institution with a 50+ year history. In an age of uncertainty, it still strives to entertain the masses all eager to see the stars of tomorrow.

That’s quite enough of the cliché ridden twaddle that reporters punt out year after year about this annual blot on the arts calendar. It’s time we heard the truth.

Let's start with an easy one – Fringe ticket prices. A few years back, a tenner would buy you two tickets to see the next big thing, a haggis dinner the size of Denmark washed down with a bucket of Glenmorangie and a taxi home to Cardiff. Now it covers barely half a ticket to witness a bunch of arts students set Shakespeare off like a top by setting Julius Caesar in the Big Brother house. Et Tu, Brian?

What other options are there for us hard-up souls now that the ride on the Huddlines gravy train seems to be over? We want free stuff and, hidden on the side streets are pubs promising free comedy gigs. Bear in mind that every space large enough for feline centrifugation registers as an official Fringe venue and encourages punters to part with cash. Somewhere that puts out a sign saying, "pleeease come in, it's free and not crap, honest" is going to encourage the type of audience that considers the performance an unwelcome distraction from the local pass-time of getting paralytic on 80 shilling. Good luck with that one.

The Ross Bandstand, slap bang outside the castle, boasts huge video screens and a range of entertainment from all areas of the Fringe. Sorry, a mistake there, I mean all the arse of the Fringe. It is a sadistic pleasure to watch a parade of misguided hopefuls share 15 minutes of their act/show/nightmare in a desperate attempt to make their ticket sales tally require more than one hand.

And a big thank you to BBC Radio for offering free tickets to the shows the day before they are recorded. Certainly an hour well spent. I don't mean watching the show, but queuing for a morning to see the 'No Tickets Left' sign appear just before your feet give in. Nicholas Parsons is evil.

Street entertainers are not free, but cheap. And rightly so. Edinburgh's Princes Street and Royal Mile play host to an eclectic selection of performers throughout the Festival period. One can be entertained by an old guy playing the bagpipes. Alternatively, there is the young kid playing the bagpipes. Did I mention the middle aged bagpipe player? And let's not forget the female bagpipe player. Every year, her tartan skirt gets an inch shorter - by the end of the decade we will know if her sporran is naturally blonde.

But don't get me started on human statues. Putting on wings, covering yourself in gold paint and standing still for an hour is not a talent but a psychosis. How do these people see their career progressing? Do they dream that one day they will hear the immortal words "And the Oscar for best Actor in a Stationary Role goes to the idiot who painted himself purple and stuck a weasel on his head in Steven Schpeelbergs 'Sentimental Pandering'" Yeah, that's going to happen.

With few other free options organised by the good people at the Fringe, you can always create your own entertainment. Here is one suggestion, B-List Bingo. Before you go to Edinburgh, make a note of 15 British B-list celebs whose careers are flagging and are likely to do anything to give them a boost. As you walk the streets of Edinburgh, keep an eye open for them. Award points as you see them in these circumstances:

0 - At their show (too easy)
1 - On the street, pretending to look rushed
2 - On the street handing out flyers to their own show as they can't afford publicity services
3 - In a bar smarming up to Avalon producers who they hope will secure them a bit part in the next series of "King of the Castle".

If you score more than 20 points, you have wasted a few hours of your life you can never get back.

It's not just the tickets that are expensive; the price of a week's accommodation in Edinburgh during August could rent you Buckingham Palace for the summer. Take it on the nose one year, but spend your time getting really friendly with the locals so you can crash at their place every year after. You never know who these Lothians associate with, so make sure you give them a false home address so they don't get their cohorts to rob your gaffe while you're away.

There are a few things in Edinburgh as reliable as the smell of fetid malt that stings your nose with every change of the wind. One of them is the weather. While August is a time for the International Arts Festival, Fringe Festival, Book Festival, Film Festival and TV Festival, one other doesn't get the publicity it so deserves. The Rain Festival.

Note that this is not a 24 hour event. Indeed, every moment you are in a windowless, cramped, smoky venue, glorious sunshine will crown the sky. The Rain Festival is only celebrated when you have to trudge a mile across town, up and down the unforgiving hills, to see "Berkoff

Presents: The Tempest on Ice". On arrival you’ll spend a half hour queuing in the open air questioning the motives of the airport security guard who confiscated your umbrella.

A note to any performers and promoters at the Fringe. When you regale your posters with reviews photocopied from 'Local Readerless Weekly' that awards you three stars out of a possible one hundred, you are forgetting the coincidence of the Rain Festival. If no-one has already plastered an advert for their Festive Dickens-cum-cookery show "A Christmas Casserole" over it, then within the hour, the rain while strip it away. Moments later, it will be added to the record breaking ball of papier-mâché currently heading down the sewer to the Forth.

The ball is only 20% review photocopies; the rest is an erstwhile forest that was doomed to become five million flyers. The saying in Edinburgh goes "Some write flyers, some distribute flyers, but all have flyers thrust upon them."

The experience of ‘Running the Flyer Gauntlet’ by The Assembly Rooms or The Pleasance will change dramatically over the course of a week for the typical Edinburgh virgin. Picture the scene, the potential theatre-goer is ambling innocently along the road. A precocious youngster with foppy hat hands them a flyer saying why their physical theatre & dance show is not in the least bit tedious. The recipient, while knowing such performances are as entertaining as rectal surgery, is inwardly flattered to receive such a personal invitation to see their show.

But wait, within seconds a second bold youth presents another missive. This time it bears notice of a multimedia presentation of Waiting for Godotcom - essentially one girl on rollerblades with a camcorder and a fat bloke manning a slide projector. This time our hero considers the fact that receiving a flyer is not necessarily a prestigious event, but may happen to any passer by.

Before the block is out, our protagonist is no longer replying with a polite "thank you". After the 40th scrap of paper has been shoved in their face, they have resorted to flailing their arms about madly while storming up the road shouting "Get the hell out of my way." Preparation is essential. Pack a t-shirt with the slogan “Stick the flyer up my <insert name of favourite orifice>”.

If you are in a hurry at any stage, leave plenty of time if your journey takes you anywhere near the castle when the Tattoo is on. You will not be able to pass the queue. At the foot of the castle, the convoy of coaches drop off their consignments of Zimmer frame-clutching grannies. They soon form one giant blue-rinsed, metallic caterpillar that creeps slowly towards the display of military strength and high camp.

But Edinburgh is a vibrant European Capital, there is so much more to do there than just watch shows, surely? Should you start going to the festival on a regular basis, you will fall into this pattern:

- You will look at Arthur's Seat, an extinct volcano, and say to yourself, "I haven't time this year, but next year I will climb it." But you won't.

- You will think to yourself, "Leith sounds like a really interesting place to visit, I must go next year". But you won't.

- You will see the brochure for the International Festival and consider "The Fringe festival is increasingly low-brow; I must make an effort to go to the opera next year". But you won't.

- You will look at the deep fried mars bars on sale at every chippy and think "My god, that sounds so fattening and disgusting, I'll never eat one of those things". But you'll get drunk on single malt and you will.

Am I saying that you should avoid going to the next Edinburgh Festival in 2003? Too right I am. Am I saying that I will not go next year? No, I'm definitely going again, I just don't want you to get all the BBC Radio tickets.

If you read the previous article, you might either think that there is no where worse to be than Edinburgh in August, but as a complete newbie, I had a great time. I took a painfully orange EasyJet flight from Luton at a ridiculously early hour one morning, and arrived in Edinburgh before there were too many flyer-distributors and bagpipers out and about.

With the help of a local, I managed to navigate my way to the nearest bus stop to the get to the house of another local I was staying with. Having got rid of luggage, chatted, and generally recovered from whatever you call jet-lag when it's because the flight is so early, I set off for the town, ready and willing to be flyered, hoping for discounts, offers, and some clue as to what I wanted to do for the next five days.

I had invested in the guide beforehand to ensure I knew what was on, but the first flyer I got was for a show not in it. However, it was useful having all the information in one place. The daily 'Metro' free paper provided a pocket-sized map for working out the dash from the Pleasance Courtyard to the Smirnoff Underbelly, or the trip from the Tron to the Gilded Balloon.

Tickets were expensive. There's nothing else to say on that. If you arrive for the first week, or are prepared to avoid planning in favour of catching the 2-for-1 offers on the day, it is possible to save a fair bit, but even then, you will still need to re-mortgage your house, or sell your firstborn. Having said that, buses are relatively cheap, and most places are walking distance of each other, so that shouldn't need a big budget.

I saw some great shows. I saw some not-that-amazing-after-all shows. I saw some friends' great shows. I saw some friends' well-it-killed-an-hour-and-it-is-nice-to-see-them shows, which naturally, I told them were great shows - or rubbish audiences, totally missing the point… I saw stand-up, poetry and plays. I saw some BSCW members, which was an unexpected bonus. I tried to get tickets for some Radio 4 shows, but discovered that the ones I hoped to attend were cancelled.

I did a couple of stand-up gigs and a poetry performance. I ran into someone I hadn't seen in six years (no, not deliberately!) I had drinks with lots of people I knew, and got to know them a bit better. I had some nice meals in some interesting places. I discovered soft drinks ranges are pretty poor (some of us don't drink and gig.) My other half discovered that even in Edinburgh, pubs have poor ranges of whisky.

I had a brilliant time.

I'm really looking forward to taking up the offer from the 70ish year old local I stayed with "You're welcome to come back next year - you can come back every year, if you like, so long as I'm still alive." Scots can be blunt and warm simultaneously.

If you enjoy watching comedy, go to Edinburgh some time. You don't need to go to all the shows of Uni drama groups reinterpreting Shakespeare out of recognition. You can avoid the really pricey big names. Go get some 2-for-1s at the venues on the day, and take a chance. Line up some open mike spots, if that's your thing. You probably wont regret any of it. But please, for your own sake - don't start your time there shattered with an early flight… you will regret spending the whole time feeling a bit tired.

Distraction Formats, the company that helped define the format market celebrates its 5th Anniversary at MIPCOM 2002.

At MIPCOM 2002, Distraction is taking the opportunity to celebrate a success story that has seen the company expand from a small boutique office in Montreal with a staff of three to an international company with offices in London and Los Angeles.

Officially launched at MIPCOM 1997, Distraction is now the leading independent format distributor and is proud that its name is synonymous with the word format. Its catalogue has grown to over 100 formats and the company is active in 37 countries with a sales staff of 8. In addition, it plans to have representation in the Asian market in 2003.

Michel Rodrigue, CEO comments: "Distraction Formats is no longer in its infancy. We have come of age and stand shoulder to shoulder with the giants within the format industry. This anniversary is a chance for us to thank our clients and toast our joint futures.

Distraction represents some of the strongest formats in the market and has the expertise to acquire, sell and reproduce success. We look forward to a secure future as one of the leaders in the fast expanding formats market."

Distraction Formats has a 100 strong multi-genre format catalogue that is recognised internationally for such renowned hits as 'Love Bugs', 'Star For A Night' and 'In The Dark'. As the world's leading international format distribution company, it successfully represents more than 30 international producers and broadcasters. Distraction's formats air on leading broadcasters including; BBC, TF1, RTI Mediaset, ZDF, France 2, SRC-CBC, Polsat, TVP2 and SVT.

Not much of an update really, I'm afraid. I sent an e-mail to Carol Smith, asking if there was any news, and if the Christmas special would be going ahead. This is her answer: "I'm afraid at the moment there are no plans for Huddlines to return, as the cast are committed elsewhere. I can confirm that there will certainly be no Christmas Special this year."

Of course, "Should the circumstances change, we will post information on the Writers Room website and the programme website immediately."

Many thanks to John M. Lewis, who drew the BSCW's attention to this article: http://chortle.co.uk/news/aug02/dom.html

In this instance, it doesn't seem to have harmed Dom Joly's career - but the rest of us may not be so lucky.

This is also a good chance to recommend the site that ran this news story. Chortle (http://chortle.co.uk) is a website dedicated to comedy news and listings. Find out about local gigs, as well as the latest from the BBC.

The Exeter Comedy Festival is run by the charity MIND.

October 6 - 13th October

Many events and workshops including a sitcom workshop with Sue Teddern 10am to 4pm, £25 and Comedy Sketch Writing with Ken Rock 2 - 4pm £10, both Saturday October 12th. Book at Exeter Phoenix Arts Centre 01392 667080.

Cult TV Productions are pleased to announce the latest guests for

THE NINTH ANNUAL CULT TV FESTIVAL, 25 -28 OCTOBER 2002 SOUTHPORT FLORAL HALL THEATRE, MERSEYSIDE, UK

With the event only a month away, we are pleased to announced the latest revised guest list. Regrettably we are no longer able to bring you some of the previously advertised names but the following have all re-confirmed in the last few weeks that they intend to join us in Southport - subject to any last minute work or personal commitments - including illness. These include several new guests including Claudia Christian, Herb Jefferson Jnr and Carol Cleveland.

The full list is as follows:-

CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN - Babylon 5
HERB JEFFERSON JUNIOR - Boomer from Battlestar Galactica
TERYL ROTHERY - Stargate SG1
DIRK BENEDICT - The A Team, Battlestar Galactica
VIRGINIA HEY - Farscape
FRANCIS MATTHEWS - Voice of Captain Scarlet
DAVID JACKSON - Gan from Blake's 7
STEPHEN GALLAGHER - Writer Dr Who, Bugs
JOHN GLEN - Director of 5 James Bond Films
CAROL CLEVELAND - The Monty Python Girl
JOHN FREEMAN- Writer and Editor
PHILIP MARTIN - Writer "Gangsters" and "Dr Who"
GARETH OWEN - Author - The Pinewood Story
STEVEN PAUL DAVIES - Writer - The Prisoner Handbook
KENNETH GRIFFITH - The Prisoner
DON ESTELLE - It Ain't Half Hot Mum
TONY CURRIE - TV Historian
MICHAEL JAYSTON - The Valeyard from Doctor Who
ANGUS LENNIE - Crossroads, Monarch of The Glen
MAURICE GRAN - Writer - The New Statesman,

plus

MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH SOCIETY OF COMEDY WRITERS including KEN ROCK and KEN BASFORD will be undertaking workshops.

STEVEN PAUL DAVIES, ROB FAIRCLOUGH AND ROGER GOODMAN present the PRIZ BIZ roadshow.

Exclusively at Cult TV this year the launch of "THE SWEENEY - THE OFFICIAL COMPANION" which will be available to buy for the first time at the event and a chance to meet the authors ROBERT FAIRCLOUGH and MIKE KENWOOD. With thanks to Reynolds and Hearn publishers. www.rhbooks.com

So as you will see there are still as many guests as there has ever been and loads of entertainment to come in Southport at the end of next month. The website http://festival.culttv.net/ has been updated with these changes and we will let you know of any further amendments in due course.

Registration includes access to all main Festival activities including interviews, workshops, cabaret, and autograph sessions. Whilst some guests may be charging for autographs - the majority will sign at least one of your items for free. Full details are available on our website.

Booking forms are available to download from the website - it has never been easy to book as Cult TV now accepts payment by debit and credit cards. Tickets are still available! Accommodation is optional.

While I wouldn't normally bring you competition information in the E-zine, this one's deadline is too soon to let you know any other way.

"Writer's Digest magazine, your #1 source for writing tips, advice, and inspiration, has once again teamed up with The American Screenwriters Association to bring you the 2003 International Screenplay Competition.

"And this year, we have more than $10,000 in cash and prizes to be awarded, including a trip to Hollywood and $5,000 in cash for the Grand Prize Winner!

"But hurry—the deadline is less than a month away. Get the details and download an entry form now.

"The Grand Prize Winner will also receive the Mick Caswell Award for Screenplay Excellence, to be awarded during the 2003 Selling to Hollywood International Screenwriters Conference, as well as free conference registration and four days and three nights at the Sheraton Universal Hotel in Los Angeles. It's the perfect opportunity to meet with Hollywood's elite and talk with agents, producers and industry reps!

"Other prizes include: 1st Place — $2,500 cash; 2nd Place — $1,000 cash; 3rd Place — $500 cash; 4th Place — $250 cash; 5th Place — $100 cash

"Plus, the names and log lines of all six winners will be announced to the media and posted at www.writersdigest.com and www.goasa.com. Winners will also receive a free one-year membership in the American Screenwriters Association and a free one-year subscription to Writer's Digest magazine.

"If you've written an original screenplay in any genre, the 2003 International Screenplay Competition could be the opportunity you've been waiting for!

"Entry deadline is October 15, 2002."

"I had to reply to language timothy.

"Great comedians used innuendo, gave you two options. Current comics, not all alternative, have no talent, so they swear at everyone. I'm not against swearing, but against doing it cos it seems the done thing.Billy Connelly is the funniest man on the planet-he could walk on stage,grin for half an hour,never say a word, and the audience would laugh themselves silly. Why, because he's funny. He doesn`t need to swear. A certain comic, I use the word loosely, has hecklers ejected. The great comics made an act out of dealing with hecklers. Enough said. The "comic" I was referring to, is the "performing pizza", or Chubby Brown as I prefer to call him. I don't like pizzas either."

Please do add your thoughts to this debate.

Ken Rock reports on behalf of another member: "Congratulations to Honorary Member Ronald Wolfe and his writing partner Ronald Chesney regarding more sales of THE RAG TRADE. The most recent sale of the format and scripts has been to Penguin Films of Johannesburg who made the show for SABC – mostly in Afrikaans.

"Twenty six episodes started in January 2001 and was an immediate hit. The series was recently repeated and SABC have commissioned another twenty six episodes for transmission on South African TV late 2002/early 2003."

Alan Stafford reports "When the pay isn't huge, a few perks are nice.

And, after my work on It's Been A Bad Week, those nice folks at Celador treated me to an end-of-series lunch. Not only that, they also sent me CD's of all the shows that had used my material.

"I've also just been commissioned as a regular writer for the next series of Parsons & Naylor's Pull-Out Sections, starting on September 19th."

NEXT MONTH: New comedy magazines

AS USUAL, I'd really love to see your articles, review, news and successes for the next E-zine. You know where to send them by now - gill@bscw.co.uk. In case some of you, like me, work better to a deadline, then I'd like everything in by 25th September, please, for the November issue.