In this Issue:

Terry Adlam asks "I Suppose a Quickie is Out of the Question?"
Ken Rock reports back from the 7th Annual Cult TV Festival
The first winner of the Wally Malston award is announced.
Your Society Needs You!


I Suppose a Quickie is Out of the Question?

Writing one-liners, quickies and sketches is easy. It rates high in the premier league of rudimentary tasks - sponsored by 'Simplicity Itself' the makers of nothing very difficult at all - along with such effortless pastimes as 'Nailing jelly to the ceiling.' 'Performing page 56 of the pop-up version of the Kama Sutra without the benefit of the vacuum cleaner attachment' and the current league leader 'Finding a decent record by the Spice Girls'.

I started writing sketches at school when I was no more than knee high to Ronnie Corbett, back in the early seventies. (Oh those halcyon days of Glam Rock, Tank tops and flares, Pans People, 3 Day weeks, Power Strikes, It's a Knockout and Love Thy Neighbour. Looking back fills me with a sense of... well boredom!) Nevertheless, eager with anticipation, overflowing with originality and peppered with acne, I sent my pubescent pages of pithy pathetic puns to the likes of Spike Milligan, Morecambe and Wise, Dick Emery and a maiden aunt in Devon.

It wasn't long before my comedic talents were recognised for within the space of a mere sixteen years my first sketch was sold! This overnight success continued unabated, as two years on I sold my second sketch. I was on the road to success, unfortunately it was the stretch of the M25 near Heathrow on a Friday evening round about 5.45pm, but I was there. (Sitting on the hard shoulder, but I was there) How easy can an occupation get!

I have four simple rules that I employ when I sit down to write a quickie and they are as follows:

1. Have a funny idea.
2. Have a really funny idea.
C. A Water Buffalo.
D. Venessa Feltz and a vat of melted cheese and finally,
5. Learn how to count.

So much for theory; now on to the practical side of quickie writing. If, when you have had your funny idea, worked on it, tailored it, edited it, thrown it away, had another funny idea and written it down, if it runs for three chapters, this is not a quickie. It may even be a bit over long for a Slowie. A quickie, is something that's short, punchy and funny. Think of Chrith Ewbankths!

Try and be original, If not, try and be a... a lumberjack! Experiment. Comedy is subjective. A boat that goes under water is a submarine. A large inhabited land-mass is a subcontinent and what makes you laugh doesn't necessarily mean it will make the person next to you laugh... Especially if you're sitting next to someone who is dead or watching Changing Rooms.

Once satisfied, thank the milkman/woman next door (Delete where applicable) and get back to finishing off your quickie. Just cross the 'T's, dot the 'I's, get on your knees and pray, facing which ever direction John Sullivan's back garden is and then send it off to your chosen recipient. Sit back, bask in that glow of achievement and wait. And wait. And wait. And while you're waiting take heed that writing quickies is easy, getting them accepted is another kettle of ballgames.

But don't ever give up. As Johnny Mathis sang, 'Look at me, I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree, but I'm always sending quickies to the BBC.'

You may be successful and receive a rejection quite promptly or you may be completely ignored, but at least you sent it out. It's no good if your quintessential comical quickie is limply languishing in your bottom drawer. Bottom drawers are for socks, vests, pants and, well bottoms.

Finally don't worry if you don't get a letter, just remember 'rejection' without the 'J' is an anagram of 'erection' which can be just as satisfying.

Good luck and may the fun be with you.

By Terry Adlam



7th Annual Cult TV Festival

As British Summer Time came to a wet and windy end last October over 200 delegates gathered at Barton Hall in Torquay, Devon for Cult TV's 7th Annual Awards Festival. Invited guests included David Croft, Bill Oddie, Hattie Hayridge, Peter Purves, Alexandra Bastedo, Mark Eden, Xenia Seeberg, Chris Adamson and Al Hunter-Ashton. Mingling with the stars were president Ken Rock and co-ordinator Jason Browne who were invited to represent the BSCW.

The weekend consisted of various talks and workshops on such diverse topics as Cult Archeology, special make-up effects, the stuntman and the writer, acting whilst stage fighting and Sooty Ungloved.

Ken ran a workshop on writing comedy for television and the following day performed an impromtu double act with Kev Sutherland on the topic of creating characters for situation comedy shows.

If you were feeling nostalgic there were four screening areas showing over 250 screenings of cult TV programmes and films including: Dr Who, The Invaders, The Protectors, UFO, Dad's Army, Black Adder, Red Dwarf, Star Trek, The Simpsons, Thunderbirds, Fireball XL5, Stingray, Blake's Seven, The X Files, Monty Python, Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?, Absolutely Fabulous, Fawlty Towers, The Champions, Babylon Five, Up Pompeii and The League of Gentlemen.

Some of these screenings carried on late into the night. But if you didn't feel like watching TV, there was plenty of variety on hand.

There was the Video Quiz on Theme Tunes and Opening Credits; Cult TV's own version of University Challenge; a charity auction that included a donation from Paul Grade, the son of Lord Grade or the opportunity to gamble at the Casino Royale. After Dark featured late night chat in Squires bar. Topics were: "Forget Yesterday! Today's Cult TV Shows Rule!", "Multi-Channel No Choice Madness?", "TV Conventions - A Thing Of The Past?"

During the day there was the opportunity to wander around the Dealers Room where you could buy anything from old postcards, books, records, key rings, dolls, and all sorts of weird and wonderful novelties and memorabilia of your cult heroes.

On Saturday evening Cult TV arranged a special dinner for its VIP guests which gave everyone the opportunity to get to know each other whilst sampling the excellent cuisine at the splendid Orestone Manor Hotel. This was followed by the formal part of the evening, the 7th International Cult TV Award Ceremony.

British Summer Time officially ended shortly afterwards, which gave delegates an extra hour's sleep. We needed it too as the fun continued. You could chat at the late night bar, walk around the holiday complex or dance the night away at the theme party and disco.

Sunday Night Cabaret included an episode of The Goggles, a cult radio comedy written and performed by Cult TV members. This was followed by Kev F Sutherland, who compered the Cult TV Comedy Club and introduced new comedians Russell Howard and Andy Hulcoop.

Outside the weather was atrocious. Gale force winds and torrential rain meant that Torquay was cut off for several hours. The following day there was limited transport out of Devon. While Jason managed to arrive home on time, it took Ken 11 hours to reach Wolverhampton. Hattie Hayridge arrived home two days later.

Congratulations to Alex J Geairns, Paul R Jones and all the Cult TV staff for organizing such an enjoyable weekend. The Variety Club of Great Britain and UNICEF benefit directly from the money raised through the various tombolas, raffles and other fundraising activities that took place over the weekend.

Despite the best efforts of "Railtrack" and the weather, a good time was had by all. The event was a great success with over £4,700 being raised for charity.

You can find more information about Cult TV at their website: www.cult-tv.org

By Ken Rock


Wally Malston Award

The BSCW received a report recently about the Wally Malston Award for comedy writing. Barry Cryer unveiled the prize, at the Comic Heritage annual awards ceremony on 18th November, and spoke of the late Wally Malston's talent.

Winner Tony Roche was due to attend the ceremony, but ran over with filming his latest sitcom, so his agent collected the award. Tony Roche has written for Weekending, Phil Jupitus, and across BBC Radio. He has worked for Jack Docherty, Smith and Jones, and Alistair McGowan, as well as Alan Davies. His sitcom, 'World of Pub' has just been moved from radio to BBC-2 television.

Other award winners at the Comic Heritage ceremony included Richard Briers, and Herbert Lom. Thora Hird's daughter, Janette Scott accepted the Eric Morcambe Award on her behalf.

Anyone wishing to suggest a nominations for next year's Wally Malston award, which will be presented in June, should contact Gerald Mahlowe, on 01268 747077.


Your Society Needs You!

Hard as we all work in the BSCW management team, to provide all the services you pay for, we could do with a bit more help.

We're full of bright ideas of things to do, from workshops, to competitions, to discounts and deals to make your life cheaper. Unfortunately, it's going to take more than just the current team to get all of these ideas off the ground.

That's where you come in. If you have any skills beyond comedy writing*, and any amount of time to suit you, then we really could do with your help. We've a few small roles in mind if you can't think where your skills would be helpful. If you've any bright ideas as to how you can help, please tell us those too. Just one quick e-mail to Ken Rock is all it takes to get involved!

* And if you're trying to claim that all you can do is write comedy, how about a hysterically funny article - or preferably series of articles - for
the E-zine?